My Teen Won’t Show Me Respect
Dr. Carey Heller: clinical psychologist with The Heller Psychology Group in Bethesda, Maryland.
One of the most common complaints parents of teens have is that their teen won’t give them the respect that they feel they deserve. There are a lot of factors that go into this respect that people often don’t think about. For instance, parenting style highly influences respect. Authoritarian Parenting is when teens are expected to adhere to strict rules and receive punishments for not following these rules. In this type of parenting, parents usually do not explain their rationale for rules. They also often place high demands on their teens and are not always very responsive to the needs of their teen. Authoritative Parenting is when parents set rules, but allow teens to ask questions and offer their opinion on things. Parents also usually explain the rationale for rules/expectations, and allow more democracy in determining/revising rules. They are usually more responsive to the needs of their teen than parents who engage in authoritarian parenting. While a whole explanation of different types of parenting is beyond the scope of this article, the point here is that parenting styles affect the relationship between parent and teen. Authoritarian parenting is based more off the teen respecting their parents whereas Authoritative parenting allows for more mutual respect. Thus, teens of authoritarian parents may be more likely to react strongly against rules and not give respect, because they feel they are not receiving it from their parents.
In addition to parenting style, the general way parents treat their teen can affect respect given. If teens don’t feel like their opinions are heard or considered, they are likely to feel that they are not being respected by their parents. Thus, teens in this situation are less likely to be respectful back towards their parents. At the same time, there are certainly teens who don’t treat their parents with respect unless they get their way.
Here are a few simple tips to help improve your teen’s level of respect towards you:
1) Look at how you parent. Do you give your teen the opportunity to argue their viewpoints on issues and work collaboratively to determine compromises? Do you explain clearly why you won’t let them do certain things (i.e., staying out past 11:30 p.m. on weeknights)?
2) Are you happy with the way you parent/do you feel your parenting strategies are effective to meet the individual needs of your teen?
3) Think about whether you feel you are giving your teen appropriate respect.
4) After thinking about items 1-3, sit down with your teen and discuss your concerns about their respect towards you. If you feel that you aren’t as respectful towards them as you could be, express that. Have an open discussion on how to obtain mutual respect (if you feel that this is appropriate). Discuss how you approach parenting and ask for feedback on how you can be more helpful/effective in parenting. You may be surprised how much useful feedback some teens can come up with. Also discuss how your teen handles things with you and ways that you think would be more effective in reducing conflict and increasing satisfaction with the parent-teen relationship.
Respect is tricky in parent-teen relationships because the parent is ultimately in charge. For some teens, the hierarchical nature of this relationship works well. For others, a more collaborative approach, while the parent still remains in power, can be much more effective and satisfying for both parents and teens.
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*Disclaimer: The previous information is intended as general guidance based on my professional opinion, does not constitute an established professional relationship, and should not replace the recommendations of a psychologist or other licensed professional with whom you initiate or maintain a professional relationship*
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